I gotta confess something right off the bat. I’m fucking terrible at remembering names. I’ve been banging out reviews about crazy bitches for goddamn decades, and yet, I can barely spit out more than a couple of names without tripping over my own tongue.
Don’t even get me started on the fuckloads of pornstars I’ve fucked on my casting couch. I’d probably recognize them easier if I was blindfolded, just grabbing their tits like a horny idiot. When it comes to names, I fucking suck balls.
When I first saw the name Heleen Van Royen I was like, who the fuck is this chick. Did a little digging and found out she’s some kind of writer and sexy picture creator. Damn, that means this badass bitch will definitely read this review, raise her perfect fucking eyebrows at my grammar and shit. Hey, Heleen, if my words come out too goddamn hardcore for your delicate ass, just fuck off to Literotica or some shit. As for you horny bastards who love my style, let’s get this shit rolling!
Where do I even fucking begin
It's not like I always write about chicks who have official bios on Wikipedia. This Heleen Van Royen has done some shit that puts her way above your average pornstar or adult model. I got mad respect for that. Still, if she wants to keep me from roasting her sexy ass, she better flash a tit or two my way.
Anyways, the chick's bio explains that her real name is Helena Margaretha Kroon. She was born in 1965, in Amsterdam. Probably grew up sniffing something weird, but hey, it worked for her. She’s a columnist and novelist, which basically means she writes fancy words that get people’s panties wet or heads scratching. I swear I’ve seen her nearly naked, standing in front of a mirror, showing more skin than she admits to in her boring bios. Looks promising.
When she dropped her first book spilling all the sex and dirty shit, the prissy posh nerds lost their goddamn minds. Of course, those uptight motherfuckers who never saw a cunt up close said it was total bullshit. But then, two of her books got turned into fucking movies. Yeah, once the dicks got hard and the pussies started dripping, everyone shut the hell up and realized Heleen Van Royen ain’t no joke. Thank fucking god for that. Moving the hell on!
Free yourself
I gotta say that this is not a standard review where I talk about how the hoe's pussy looks when taking a monster cock. That shit’s a goddamn shame, but honestly, it’s a breath of fresh fucking air too.
I know Heleen Van Royen ain’t about to flash her asshole for me, but somehow, I feel we’re connected. You know, like twisted soulmates or some freaky twin flame shit. Yeah, I know, all that chick bullshit, but fuck it! Heleen Van Royen, I’m coming for you. One day we’ll be one. While I’m kicking back with a stiff dick, you’ll be cranking out my reviews, maybe with a little more hardcore fucking flair. We gotta work on that, babe. Hit me up!
In any case, I continue reading about Heleen Van Royen, and realize that she launched that Sex Diary book of hers in 2018. Well, that book talks about 365 days of sex. That means that Heleen Van Royen has sex every day, and that's another thing we have in common. Told you we were fucking soulmates.
She talks about sex like it’s her favorite goddamn hobby in her book. Goes into all the juicy details, including banging her boyfriend who’s twenty-two years younger. Of course, that set off a shitstorm. People losing their shit, judging her like they never jerked off to a hot MILF pounding a younger dude. Long story short, Heleen Van Royen explains that she fantasizes, does sex without shame, and that all that mindset is fucking liberating. I fucking agree once again.
Oh, and just so you know, this badass bitch posed fully naked for Playboy in 2006. That’s right, tits, cunt, everything out in the open. A year before that, she started showing off weird selfies in some art exhibit, including the infamous “tampon selfie.” I don’t know what the hell that is, and honestly, it sounds like some boring shit that’d put me to sleep. Damn, girl, how about flashing a nipple or two instead of this vanilla crap? Pretty please.
Maybe follow her on X
I've read somewhere the line "if you hang out with writers, you can end up in books". Yeah, that's what Heleen Van Royen wrote on her F2F page. That's something like OnlyFans. You know, a social media platform for chicks who post nudies, but I'll circle back to that shit later. All I know is that if you post nudies online, you can end up in TPD's reviews, and yeah, that’s exactly what happened to Heleen Van Royen. What can I say to the motherfucker except congrats! You’re officially fucked!
Let's talk about Heleen Van Royen's X account next. I want you to keep your expectations in check. At the end of the day, Heleen Van Royen is not a pornstar. She won't upload any nudity or porn to her public accounts. It’s not like those hardcore cocksuckers who quit porn and decide to write some sappy books. Nah, this Dutch bitch has been writing her dirty words since day fucking one, so she keeps it classy online. You either take that shit or leave it. Your call, dickhead!
She has over 100K followers on X already
The moment you load the chick's X account, you'll see her posing in a sexy, silky nightgown. She's a mature lady, but still looking damn good, all slim and sexy. I would fucking love to see her fuck that boyfriend of hers! I would fucking pay to see that shit, and that, my dear assholes, is the ultimate compliment in the porn world. If the Dude wants you, everyone wants you.
Seems like other people share my enthusiasm for Heleen Van Royen. She already has over 100K followers on X. She's crazy active on the platform, but I have to tell you not to expect nudity or sex here. She's all about quotes and everyday pictures. The word on the street is that some of you fucks actually love this natural vibe where you have to imagine how a babe's pussy looks instead of having that full view, so yeah, if that sounds like a plan, make sure to follow Heleen Van Royen on X.
Now, about that f2f.com shitshow. I’m not even sure if I’ve ripped that site apart already, but whatever. That’s where Heleen Van Royen posts her clips and pics. Of course, all that juicy shit is locked behind a goddamn paywall. All you get upfront is some dumb line like “writer, sixty, and still scandalous,” plus Heleen strutting her sexy cunt in lingerie. The pics show her rocking bikinis and taking those goddamn mirror selfies, so yeah, I’d say it’s worth dropping some cash if you want to feast your eyes on that fine body.
Well, this was different
Look, I get it. Some of you horny motherfuckers want your porn served with massive cocks slamming sloppy cunts and tits bouncing off the damn walls. Heleen Van Royen ain’t that kinda crazy hardcore freak show.
She’s way too vanilla for you filthy bastards who crave nonstop fuckfests and naked assholes flashing, all raw and stretched. She’s classy, teasing, and keeps it subtle. Her pages are not where you'll find porn. You just have to learn to deal with it.
A lot of things that set Heleen Van Royen apart though. She’s a writer first, a sexy milf second. Instead of pounding out porn scenes, she’s dropping sexy words, photos of her in silky lingerie, bikinis, and those mirror selfies that make your dick twitch without even showing her cunt fully. She’s all about teasing your imagination. You know, she makes you want more without throwing her bare asshole in your face every five seconds.
The dudes who’ll fucking love Heleen are the ones tired of the same old raw porn. If you dig brains with your tits, a mature goddess who knows how to fuck with your mind and keep you guessing, this is your queen.
Follow her, throw some cash at her premium shit, and enjoy a slow-burn thrill ride instead of that nonstop xxx circus. Trust me, there’s something goddamn addictive about the way this chick plays it smooth while keeping it sexy as hell. Case fucking closed!
