Chicks like this really confuse me. Barbie Sins is a real enigma of a woman. I happen to know that your dad's probably jacked off to her because all of our dads have really shitty taste in porn that I blame the '80s for. Hell, this shit was popular even in the '90s. Essentially, I blame Pamela Anderson. Barbie Sins is a textbook knockoff Pamela Anderson with a slightly better body, but that body is fake, so is it really better? Does it really count? Am I really getting hard? Not really.
And you'd think I would. You'd think that me, glorious, all-knowing, all-loving, all-fucking-porn-dude would be enamored with this supposed blonde bombshell with gigantic jugs that like to bounce around while she's getting dicked from behind, and yet something is stopping me. Something makes me feel uncomfortable. Something perplexes me. It's the tits, okay? It's the fake tits. Something is seriously wrong with those tits. Who did this woman's augmentation? For fuck's sakes, take that man's license away.
Oh, sure, he made them big, but at what cost? You guys know those blow-up sex dolls, the $2 ones that straight-up look like a floatie? Yeah, that's what these tits look like. I don't mean to say that she's got the same tits as a blow-up sex doll. I mean to say that her tits look like a blow-up sex doll. They are balloons, plain and simple. They're way too round, way too perky, and if you catch a camera angle from underneath the tits looking up at her while they're bouncing, you're going to be scarred for life.
The section between her tits—you know, the part of skin in between right underneath—looks like a decrepit vagina. This woman is basically a Frankenstein of everything that we want women to look like, and it's a shame because her natural body, or at the very least what I'm seeing of it, is pretty damn good. I mean, she's very slim, she's a natural blonde, she's got it going on, and yet the tits throw me off. As for her face, well, it's clear she's gotten some work there too. It's not bad work. They didn't brutalize her like they did the tits, but god damn it, she's ugly.
Avoid Her Face, Stick To Her Body
I don't know, man, you tell me. Are my standards too high? Is it me? Have I finally watched too much porn that I can't enjoy conventional blow-up sex dolls? Watching this chick from behind, in just about any scene, is a delight. From behind, she actually looks perfect, and I mean properly perfect. From behind, she looks like a 10 out of 10. She's so slim and taut and flexible, it's like she was made for porn. I love what this bitch looks like from behind, but oh my god, when she turns around to give the camera a hello kiss, my boner goes down, and it refuses to come back up.
She's basically a walking mannequin, a fucked up representation of someone's idea of what a woman is supposed to look like. If I'm going this far out of my way to talk trash about a person, you know something's gotta be up, because I have reviewed men, women, trans women, and even Sharla Sartre, and I always found something endearing to talk about. In this case, there's nothing endearing about this. It's some disgusting shit right here.
Now, true to my nature, I'm gonna try to say something nice about this chick along the way, because if I conclude the review by just saying, "Listen, this is the ugliest blonde I've ever seen in my life," then I wouldn't be the porn dude. I wouldn't be doing a very good job, and I take this shit very seriously. Hell, I take it too seriously. You know me. I think I'm the next Ron Jeremy or whatever the fuck. If I'm gonna feel that good about myself, I gotta do something to back it up.
I Call It Like I See It
So here we are. We're watching Barbie Sins and a chick named Marika Vitale sucking off some random dude, and right now, as I'm writing this sentence, they're licking each other's feet. Honestly, I'd rather be watching this chick's feet than the rest of her. To no surprise, Barbie Sins has worked with a lot of mainstream studios that specialize in very straightforward hardcore porn. You know, the kind of porn where you get a camera angle zoomed in on the guy's balls while he's bouncing in and out of some chick's pussy, and we all pretend, as a society, that this is somehow interesting and arousing.
Who the hell wants to watch some guy's balls that close up? Can you imagine if I blew this video up on my 4K, 60-inch television? I mean, what would that look like? His balls would be bigger than my face. They'd be bouncing in my eyes. I would puke. If someone saw me doing that, they would think I'd lost my mind. And no, I am not equating being gay with being crazy. I'm equating being straight and watching balls with being crazy, because it is. And yet, I'd rather be staring at balls than looking at Barbie Sins' disgusting mug.
Have I gone too far? Have I finally cracked? Look, it's not like she's gonna read the review, and even if she does, she's rich. She doesn't give a crap about me. And Miss Sins, if you ever do read this review, I'd just like to say I'm really sorry. I gotta call them like I see them, and I don't like what I'm seeing. It's not your fault. Some plastic surgeon turned out to be some sort of experimental war criminal. You didn't know. You just wanted to look younger, I'm assuming.
A True Entrepreneur
One thing I will say about Barbie Sins is that she knows how to run a business. Apparently, she's a very successful fin-dom BDSM expert. In other words, she specializes in being paid money. Talk about a job, am I right? Hell, talk about being a woman. Seriously, fin-dom with that face? I don't know, whatever it is she's doing, she must be amazing at it. I'm guessing her talents in the boudoir help her better control men online. By control, I mean dominate sexually. These men, they don't really want the cutest girl around the block. They want a proper ball-buster.
A woman with a face like this and tits like those can definitely bust some balls. I've seen her do it on video. She is terrifying when she needs to be, and I guess that's sort of the point of her career and the whole fin-dom thing. I say I don't understand it, but the truth is I do. I just don't like it. I don't like the idea of connecting with other people based on how much money I have or how much money I give them, but in some circles, that's apparently really important to the sexual philosophy that goes on inside people's heads.
Then again, I'm not a science man. I'm a pussy man, so what the fuck do I know? Bottom line, Miss Barbie Sins is doing a fantastic job at living her best life, so to speak. So what if I don't like her? Countless men around the world do, and she's proven her point. She is, in fact, attractive by virtue of attracting this many suckers to give her money for doing absolutely nothing. Or so I assume that's what I think fin-dom is. It's doing nothing and getting paid for it. Men are stupid, and women like money. It is what it is.
I Like My Dick, So I’m Not Putting It Near Barbie
For the first time in a long time, I can say, I'm going to go and not jack off to this chick, and I don't recommend that you do either, but I'm not your dad, I'm not your priest. I can't stop you. This chick is exactly what you're looking for. By all means, buddy, yank it clean off. It's your penis, after all. Me, I'm going to be on the lookout for something bigger, something better, something less fake. I'm not big on microplastics, or macroplastics.
But as always, I do like to leave things off on a positive note. So I will say that Barbie Sins is a natural in front of the camera when it comes to her acting and her performances. She gives it 110% every single time. I checked, and you simply can't falter past that point. If she really does enjoy the sucks and the fucks and delivers a believable and charged performance, then she's more than done her job. If I don't like her, that's a me problem, not a her problem.
