Let me deal with unrealporn.com. This is not gonna be one of those boring-ass reviews where a fucker talks about numbers and shit. I want you motherfuckers to feel the vibe of this place, 'cause it's got a lot to offer. This is one of those alternative porn sites that flips the script on the usual bullshit, finally catering to those who need more than staged sex scenes and fake orgasms. Let's see if you're gonna dig unrealporn.com as much as I do!
Damn, that's a motherfucking zombie
The joint shows video previews, and I don't know if I need this shit so early in the morning. Here I fucking am, sipping coffee from my TPD mug, and there's this chick fucking a guy by a tombstone. What the fuck is this?! Her zombie mask is so fucking spot on that I don't think I'll see my cock getting hard any time soon. Proper horror porn shot so masterfully that you won't fucking believe your eyes!
It gets lighter with Kiki Minaj acting as a fuck toy on a carnival. Long story short, she's a damn sex toy, and the dude's got the remote control. He's pounding all her fucking holes, and she's got that blank, lifeless look on her face throughout the whole damn thing. Like those bitches in free-use porn, but dressed up fancy.
Damn, unrealporn.com sure is one-of-a-kind, but that kind of uniqueness raises a red flag in my mind. Whenever a porn site is too unique, it usually ends up as small as your fucking balls. I prefer a good balance between quality and quantity, but shit happens. Let's see what the fuck comes next.
18 videos in total
I fucking knew it! Unrealporn.com is fucking tiny! Right now, they've only got 18 fucking videos, and this site ain't no newborn. It's been around the fucking block, but that's another goddamn mystery. I can't see shit about the site's update schedule, and when you add the fact that there's no goddamn bonus content on unrealporn.com, this whole thing might sound like a load of crap.
On the other hand, if you're craving unreal, horror, fantasy porn, unrealporn.com delivers on that fucking front. I mean, who gives a shit about the size and age of the Mona Lisa? It's a fucking masterpiece, and one is enough to blow minds worldwide.
This whole fucking saga kicked off with the video titled CyberGothic. The star of this damn show is Angelica Rollenti (who the fuck is she anyway?). She's rocking a blue wig, looking like a steampunk robot cocksucker, and when the camera zooms in on her asshole, you get some fucking special effects. Damn, this futuristic vibe is giving me a goddamn hard-on. If James Cameron made porn, this would be his goddamn vibe. Maybe that's the best way to put it.
Right after the robo-fuck fest, unrealporn.com moves on to the Shemale. This time, you get a proper tranny who's all about butt plugs and big cocks. Her big puffy mouth is wide open in awe as some motherfucker sprays her cock with oozing seed. Nice shit, complete with special effects.
Maybe the most vanilla video here is titled Bride. Yeah, she's in a wedding dress getting fucked POV style, but at least there aren't lightning bolts shooting out of her goddamn nipples. Damn, who would've thought a motherfucker like me would appreciate taking a breather with bride porn! Live and learn, motherfuckers!
Should I even bring up the models talk
Damn, this is one of those times when I don't know what the fuck to say about diversity. I mean, it's damn impossible to get enough diversity from a joint that's got under 20 fucking videos, but I can also see that unrealporn.com really tries to give as much fucking quality to its paying fans. You've got a zombie, a carnival whore, a rock star, a soldier, a soccer player, and a hairdresser. That's more characters than in goddamn Power Rangers.
Hey, did you know that Sarah Kay plays the zombie cunt? What an innocent-sounding name for a zombie whore, don't you think? That carnival cunt is Kiki Minaj, a black porn goddess I've seen on other porn sites too. I wouldn't say unrealporn.com features famous sluts, but these bitches ain't complete amateurs either. They gotta bring a mix of hotness and acting chops to pull this shit off, and I'm damn impressed with the job these hoes are doing, especially with the blow-jobs. Keep up the fucking good work!
The stuff you'll be paying for
Unrealporn.com is so different than all the other smut joints I've reviewed before. You don't get categories here. The absence of the list of models is another difference, and that size thing is another potential fuckup. All you get here, design and layout-wise, is a black background with a couple of big, high-end thumbnails that show video previews. It's obvious that unrealporn.com knows what it's doing and that it's on a mission to be unique, and there's nothing wrong with that, but paying for 18 videos? Damn, that will be a tough decision to make.
Unrealporn.com might be small as fuck with just 18 goddamn videos. That's like showing up at an orgy, armed with endless boners and a crate of condoms only to see that only one bitch showed up. It's like a chick that invites you up for a drink and ends up talking about her ex. You end up with an itch that you just catch scratch no matter how hard you try.
On the other hand, those few videos pack a punch that hits harder than your motherfucking ex's breakup text. Each video on unrealporn.com is intense, potent, and leaves you wondering why the hell you didn't pace yourself better. Yeah, sure, they don't have hundreds of videos like some of those mega-sites. Instead, they've got a lineup that reads like a casting call for a fucked-up horror movie.
Also, these bitches ain't your stupid amateurs who stumbled into porn because they couldn't hack it at the local Starbucks. No, sir. They're bringing enough acting skills mixed with enough sexual prowess. Yeah, the site feels like it's still in its beta phase, but sometimes it's about quality over quantity. Would you rather wade through a sea of mediocre smut? Fuck no, so stay with me and I'll tell you how much it fucking costs.
You gotta pay for this avant-garde smut
Fuck, at least the prices are a goddamn steal here. It's fucking sweet that this joint keeps it real with the prices it can charge! Fucking awesome! To unlock unrealporn.com for a whole fucking month, it's gonna set you back $14.90. If you're in it for the long haul, to get access to all the wicked goodies of unrealporn.com for 90 days, you gotta cough up $29.90. That breaks down to just $0.33 per day.
Now, if you're seriously thinking about jerking off to 18 fucking videos for half a damn year, they've got this half-annual plan. It'll set you back $39.90. Whatever you choose, you'll get videos that go up to 4K, downloads, videos that are fucking impossible to find anywhere else on the web, and a site that works on all fucking desktop and mobile devices. You don't get any fucking bonus content, and you don't get that amateur porn here that you fucking love for its rawness, but what you do get is some of the best and most goddamn unique XXX content that exists on the web.
The grand finale
Unrealporn.com might be small as fuck with just 18 goddamn videos, but each one packs a punch hard and fucking kinky. I sure had a blast reviewing unrealporn.com!
I was fucking blown away by the quality of the vids, special effects, masks, and the overall avant-garde vibe of the smut her. The videos are fucking exclusive, no doubt about that, and they go up to 4K. I wouldn't sleep on that download option either! It's nice to have something as quirky as unrealporn.com in your offline bank. Why the hell not?!
It ain't about fucking quantity here, man. It's about quality that hits you like a goddamn freight train! This place is for those who are ready to ditch the generic crap for something that'll blow your fucking mind! It's where the real fucking action and innovation in adult entertainment are going down, and it could all be yours at a damn affordable price. Now go on and fucking knock yourself out!
